Beware TMI - No One Cares

It's not just excess personal stuff that can become annoying. It's corporate stuff; business information; the greeting on your voicemail; the overhead announcement at the supermarket. The secret to effective information dispersal is: edit out the noise.

Remember, when you communicate information, your goal is to inform. Your goal is not to make anyone feel better about their life, it's not to coddle customers, it's not to make excuses for why you can't come to the phone. It's simply to point to where the escalator is, to inform the public of your business hours, to notify customers that you've run out of cheese (if you're a pizza parlor).

Here's what I mean.

You call your bank because you found an extra $10,000 in your account and now you're terrified because it's not yours. Your call gets funneled into a queue. The recorded message says, "Your call is important to us. Please hold because right now we're helping someone else who's more important than you are. Your call will be answered by the first available customer service representative. However, due to unprecedented heavy call volume, your call will be answered in ... (digital voice) twenty-three minutes. (recorded voice) Should you wish to have us call you back, please press one now."

First of all, my call is not important to them because they have chosen not to hire enough people to handle the phone traffic. Secondly, just sitting through this laundry list of excuses is worse than listening to hold music. Thirdly, do we really care - or even need to know what you're doing that's causing you not to be able to take our call? We don't care. Nevertheless, we have to sit through you telling us that you're not out for brunch, you're not having wild sex in the cleaning closet, you are in fact helping other, more important, customers. 

Is anyone out there? If you don't come to the phone right now, I'm going to spend your $10,000.

(c) 2016 Suzann Kale

Incoherence

Incoherence is only allowed after 5pm on weekdays, and 8pm on Saturday night. Sunday it's time to get ready for the week by re-focusing on the possibility of linear thinking.

So today I took an online CPR course from the American Heart Association. The writing was perfect: clear, organized, meticulous. It was a joy.

Then I go back to the memo from the company administrator with instructions on how to sign up for the certification field test. Oops. Back to corporate reality. This was part of the memo:

"You may complete this process you're your department based CPR Instructor (if you have one) or you may log into E-Learning and enroll in a testing session... Please note as this program there is no class time that you must come prepared to demonstrate your skills competently."

There's no reason to publicly expose the mélange inside our heads. 

(c) 2016 Suzann Kale

Own Your Syntax

 It's about self-worth. If you write it, you need to own it. Otherwise, why bother?

Let's examine this #1 offender: 

"We apologize for any inconvenience this may have caused."

Could this possibly be any more offensive? Let's break it down.

We apologize... - Using the pronoun "we" is like saying, "It wasn't me, it was other people. I personally don't even know how to turn on a woodchipper. I don't even know what a woodchipper is."

"for any inconvenience..." - The word "any" leaves it open as to exactly how much inconvenience there actually was. Maybe not too much. And the word "inconvenience" is both a euphemism and a cliche. It's like saying, "I may have put your foot into my woodchipper when it was grinding down a giant elm, and on the off-chance that it might have made you the teeniest bit cranky, hey, we understand that you're too emotional."

"this may have caused;..." - means "We totally think you're lying about your foot being shredded when we put it through our woodchipper, but our lawyers have written up this statement to keep you from suing us."

If you've done something to upset someone, you will make the situation worse by using insincere, cliche-ridden lawyer-speak. Corporate media people, please take notice.

(c) 2016 Suzann Kale

We learned this is first grade.

Thank you all for coming I just want to let you know that I'm sorry I didn't show up it was Siri's fault she didn't remind me about my book signing.


Has no one heard of ending a sentence with a period and beginning the new sentence with a capital letter? 

How about: Thank you all for coming. I just want to let you know that I'm sorry I didn't show up. It was Siri's fault. She didn't remind me about my book signing.

Memo

For Immediate Release:

The phrase "Have a nice day" has been banned from use anywhere in the galaxy. 

Backsliders have tried to sneak in alternatives like "Be safe", "Enjoy", and "Have a great day", but as fast as they can think them up, they are being banned. You might stay away from derivative commands like "Enjoy your day" and qualifiers like "Enjoy the rest of your day" because they put bad energy into the cosmos. 

If in doubt, best to just let people do what they want with their day, and stay out of it. In an emergency you can say "See you later" perhaps, or "Great to see you" because these are phrases describing your own intentions or feelings rather than dictating how someone else's experience must be.

(c) 2015 Suzann Kale

Please and Thank You

...are good things, and the world needs to be a kinder place. But in technical writing such as

instructions,  protocol charts, signage, and how-to memos, we are actually being kinder by leaving out please and thank you. Have mercy on your reader - they are not reading your copy because it is the next New York Times bestseller. They're reading it because they have to, to get something else done. There's no room for "Have a nice day" in any corner of the technical writing galaxy. Let your reader get the information and get on with their life.

Too Much
Please remember to check the top of the toaster oven before using it, so we don't catch our plastic duck collection on fire. Besides, plastic smells bad when it burns. Thank you.

Just Right
Clear the ducks off the toaster oven before using.

***

Too Much
After you hear the three beeps, please press star two (*2) in order to ensure that your message doesn't get erased if you then decide to go in again and revise it. Thanks!

Just Right
Press *2 after you hear the 3 beeps.

***

Too Much
I know we're all super busy these days, but we absolutely must remember to log our overhead announcements on the Overhead Announcement Log. Please initial this so I know you have read it. Thanks, guys.

Just Right
Have you logged your overhead announcement?

(c) 2015 Suzann Kale

Red Penciling

Sleek, trimmed-down copy isn't just for web content. No one has time for wordage in any context. We need to be merciless in cutting excess fat.

Examples:

Yikes                                                            Likes
No right hand turn                              No right turn

Learn how to park                             Learn parking

Beware of dog                                   Dog

This is somewhat verbose.               Verbose.

When you get a chance, I'd               Let's get a grip. 
like to go over the situation
that happened yesterday.


So take your first draft and your red pencil, and hack away. It's actually fun.

(c)2015 Suzann Kale