The New In Thing In Convoluted Grammar

Have you noticed that people are taking group singular pronouns and acting as if they are plural? It's happening everywhere. 

We are happy to report that the staff are working 88 hours a week. 

Huh?

I understand that in England they do that. But honestly, people, it should be either:

We are happy to report that staff members are working 88 hours a week.
or
We are happy to report that the staff is working 88 hours a week.

I'm trying to let go of this, because we are indeed a global village. But I think if you're going to misuse these pronouns, you ought to be aware of it, and repent.

Really?

Excellent article from The Writer's Circle:

http://writerscircle.com/very-and-other-useless-words-to-erase-forever/?utm_source=twc-twcfan&utm_medium=social-fb&utm_term=20160501&utm_content=link&utm_campaign=very-and-other-useless-words-to-erase-forever&origin=twc_twcfan_social_fb_link_very-and-other-useless-words-to-erase-forever_20160501












Photo by DMedina at morguefile.com

Follow that Car!

To never have another bad day in your life, avoid using the following words and phrases in your copy:

Never use the word location three times in a row. 

Never refer to an artist as, say, "the greatest living performer of his generation." You will instantly lose your credibility.

Remember that in copywriting, the words new and improved are translated by the listener to it still doesn't work and don't buy it if it's the last thing on the shelf. 

Never begin a sentence with the word well.

Whether you're writing a screenplay or scripting the last joke of the evening news, never refer to anyone as "doing the New York Times crossword puzzle in ink." 

Don't rhyme things.

Don't create a title for your article with a play on words using a current ad or movie title. For instance, a brain improvement article should not be called How to Be the Most Interesting Man on Earth.

Don't use an aphorism that everyone accepts because they've been hearing it since infancy, when in fact it actually has no relevance, and mostly no meaning. Examples:

Life goes on.

Be happy.

Suffering is good because we learn from it.

You've got to get out more.

What doesn't kill us makes us stronger.

Have a nice day.

Technology makes our lives too busy/crazy/hectic.

It's okay that he walks in his sleep - he's a creative type.

He minded his own business and just seemed so nice. 

(c)2016 Suzann Kale

Web Content: Never Start a Sentence with "Well"

You don't want to be the writer who begins your product marketing page with three long paragraphs about the problem, followed by the solution paragraph starting with "Well, ...". 

Don't:

Have you ever found yourself in the middle of a flood? You're walking down the street minding your own business, when suddenly water starts gushing toward you? It's a bad feeling.  

Or perhaps you're sitting at home watching the rugby game and your dishwasher overflows. You run around trying to mop it up, but it just flows and flows, and suddenly water is all over your house. Yikes. 

Well, there's a solution to all this!!! A way to keep your home safe and be safe walking down the street as well. It's called the MasterUmbrellaTM and it will save you aggravation and money, and keep your shoes and carpet dry at the same time!

Any web content - your blog, a self-help article, product description, ezine article, business report, department description, marketing copy - needs to:

1. Get to the point right away. (In grade school we were taught to begin with opening paragraphs and lots of filler. And for certain kinds of reports - scientific papers, observations, medical description - you still want to start with descriptions. But for most web content, just get right to it. Otherwise you will lose your reader.)

2.  Never begin a sentence with "well" under any circumstance. If someone's pointing a gun to your head, still do not type the word "well."

3.  Break up your web content with illustrations, template design, color, mixed fonts and sizes, charts, diagrams, or tables. Reading copy on a screen is tiring enough - don't let your article be the one that finally puts the reader to sleep.

4.  If possible, try to avoid having the reader keep turning the page. Some web content is designed for advertisements, and when you're writing in that context you'll often have to format each of your 10 money-saving car-buying tips on 10 separate pages, in order for the company to display more ads. But if you're the boss of you, don't make readers keep hitting "next." You will lose them.

Smashing Writer's Block for Work Documents

This really works, I promise. Tested, tried, had other people try it. 

Say you have to write a memo persuading hospital personnel to wash their hands. You are conflicted beyond comprehension because it's too ridiculous a project. 

1.  Immediately let go of resistance. Remember:

• Soon this project will be over.
• Soon it will be 5:00 and you will be sitting on your couch with your wine. It's a time warp thing, not to be minimized.
• Allowing thoughts of regret, anger, and misery to tape-loop through your mind only prolongs the experience. Sure it's satisfying to know how horrible life on this planet can be, but leave it for now. You can pick it up later after the wine wears off.

2.  With a blank mind, all you have to do is pull up a blank Word template and choose a fabulous font. 

3.  Now, simply make words appear on the blank page. It's that easy. 

Remember, no one will read it, and anyone who is not washing their hands now, will probably never wash their hands anyway. 

If you actually want to create a meaningful document, go for it. List the reasons why hand-washing might make sense during a meningitis epidemic. Insert really cute artwork. Put in a graph measuring stuff. 

And then it's completed. And suddenly your "now" moment with the wine and the couch is here, your document is a part of the permanent hospital archives, and you still have your job. 

More on writer's block in the next post.

(c) 2016 Suzann Kale

Beware TMI - I Thought of Something Else

Oh yes - and here's a good one that's used often:

"The Rusty Anchor Restaurant is closed for the Easter Holiday so that our employees can spend time with their families... (and implied but unsaid:) rather than slog to work to feed your voracious face, leaving our lonely spouses home alone with our wide-eyed, innocent, lonely children."

All you have to do is say: 

"Closed for Easter."

All the public needs is the basic info. Edit out the excuses. They will always be misconstrued by your customers.

(c) 2016 Suzann Kale

Beware TMI - No One Cares

It's not just excess personal stuff that can become annoying. It's corporate stuff; business information; the greeting on your voicemail; the overhead announcement at the supermarket. The secret to effective information dispersal is: edit out the noise.

Remember, when you communicate information, your goal is to inform. Your goal is not to make anyone feel better about their life, it's not to coddle customers, it's not to make excuses for why you can't come to the phone. It's simply to point to where the escalator is, to inform the public of your business hours, to notify customers that you've run out of cheese (if you're a pizza parlor).

Here's what I mean.

You call your bank because you found an extra $10,000 in your account and now you're terrified because it's not yours. Your call gets funneled into a queue. The recorded message says, "Your call is important to us. Please hold because right now we're helping someone else who's more important than you are. Your call will be answered by the first available customer service representative. However, due to unprecedented heavy call volume, your call will be answered in ... (digital voice) twenty-three minutes. (recorded voice) Should you wish to have us call you back, please press one now."

First of all, my call is not important to them because they have chosen not to hire enough people to handle the phone traffic. Secondly, just sitting through this laundry list of excuses is worse than listening to hold music. Thirdly, do we really care - or even need to know what you're doing that's causing you not to be able to take our call? We don't care. Nevertheless, we have to sit through you telling us that you're not out for brunch, you're not having wild sex in the cleaning closet, you are in fact helping other, more important, customers. 

Is anyone out there? If you don't come to the phone right now, I'm going to spend your $10,000.

(c) 2016 Suzann Kale

Own Your Syntax

 It's about self-worth. If you write it, you need to own it. Otherwise, why bother?

Let's examine this #1 offender: 

"We apologize for any inconvenience this may have caused."

Could this possibly be any more offensive? Let's break it down.

We apologize... - Using the pronoun "we" is like saying, "It wasn't me, it was other people. I personally don't even know how to turn on a woodchipper. I don't even know what a woodchipper is."

"for any inconvenience..." - The word "any" leaves it open as to exactly how much inconvenience there actually was. Maybe not too much. And the word "inconvenience" is both a euphemism and a cliche. It's like saying, "I may have put your foot into my woodchipper when it was grinding down a giant elm, and on the off-chance that it might have made you the teeniest bit cranky, hey, we understand that you're too emotional."

"this may have caused;..." - means "We totally think you're lying about your foot being shredded when we put it through our woodchipper, but our lawyers have written up this statement to keep you from suing us."

If you've done something to upset someone, you will make the situation worse by using insincere, cliche-ridden lawyer-speak. Corporate media people, please take notice.

(c) 2016 Suzann Kale

We learned this is first grade.

Thank you all for coming I just want to let you know that I'm sorry I didn't show up it was Siri's fault she didn't remind me about my book signing.


Has no one heard of ending a sentence with a period and beginning the new sentence with a capital letter? 

How about: Thank you all for coming. I just want to let you know that I'm sorry I didn't show up. It was Siri's fault. She didn't remind me about my book signing.

Please and Thank You

...are good things, and the world needs to be a kinder place. But in technical writing such as

instructions,  protocol charts, signage, and how-to memos, we are actually being kinder by leaving out please and thank you. Have mercy on your reader - they are not reading your copy because it is the next New York Times bestseller. They're reading it because they have to, to get something else done. There's no room for "Have a nice day" in any corner of the technical writing galaxy. Let your reader get the information and get on with their life.

Too Much
Please remember to check the top of the toaster oven before using it, so we don't catch our plastic duck collection on fire. Besides, plastic smells bad when it burns. Thank you.

Just Right
Clear the ducks off the toaster oven before using.

***

Too Much
After you hear the three beeps, please press star two (*2) in order to ensure that your message doesn't get erased if you then decide to go in again and revise it. Thanks!

Just Right
Press *2 after you hear the 3 beeps.

***

Too Much
I know we're all super busy these days, but we absolutely must remember to log our overhead announcements on the Overhead Announcement Log. Please initial this so I know you have read it. Thanks, guys.

Just Right
Have you logged your overhead announcement?

(c) 2015 Suzann Kale

Red Penciling

Sleek, trimmed-down copy isn't just for web content. No one has time for wordage in any context. We need to be merciless in cutting excess fat.

Examples:

Yikes                                                            Likes
No right hand turn                              No right turn

Learn how to park                             Learn parking

Beware of dog                                   Dog

This is somewhat verbose.               Verbose.

When you get a chance, I'd               Let's get a grip. 
like to go over the situation
that happened yesterday.


So take your first draft and your red pencil, and hack away. It's actually fun.

(c)2015 Suzann Kale

The Universe Has Used Up Its Apostrophe Allowance

There is a wide-spread mythological belief system that says there should be an apostrophe anywhere you see the letter "s". It can go before, after, around, or anywhere near this s.

Although this myth is completely untrue, people keep writing things like this:

Family Practice Healthcare is opened Monday’s and Tuesday’s, and the dental care Wednesday’s and Thursday’s. They will no longer see patient's at the downtown buildings.

The tall ones' are for beer.

The phone numbers' for all the new barista's are behind the counter.

It's an apostrophe catastrophe.


Possessive
Use an apostrophe if something belongs to someone. Like: This is Ryan's personal wallet that he owns. (Note that owns does not have an apostrophe.)

Use an apostrophe if a group owns something. Like: The Men's Gardening Center. Or The children's lunchroom.

Just because something is plural does not entitle it to an apostrophe. The children's library cards. (Not The children's library card's.)

Apostrophes indicate ownership.


Contractions
Apostrophes also indicate that a word is contracted. You can say: It's happy hour in Newfoundland because It's is the contraction of It is. You cannot say: Its almost time for your surgery. (Should be: It's almost time.)

When you use an apostrophe to indicate a contraction, the apostrophe is put where the missing letter would be. Like M'am, which is short for Madame. Or let's which is short for let us.

Apostrophes indicate a missing letter.

(c) 2015 Suzann Kale

 

The Case for Clarity

If you have to send out two more memos to explain your original memo, you have a problem with clarity. 

The best way to make sure your memo is clear is to have someone proofread it. Spellcheck and Grammarcheck won't help you here. Only a fresh set of human eyes will do it.

You are just too involved in what you're saying to be objective about how you say it.

Recently the CEO of a large organization sent out an email request for people to sign up for a survey. His instructions were:

We in Senior Management have the greatest respect for all of our Employees. Our vision is to support the community, to care for our employees and their Families, and to deliver the very best customer service and to help those in need. Therefore, we are asking you, our employees, to log into the survey at the end of this Email, so you can tell us about your opinion's. It is understodd that We respect your confidentiality entirely.

Say what? Senior Management needs to give this email to someone to proofread before sending it out to 1500 employees. Here's how it should have read:

Senior Management cares about your opinions. Please log on to the survey at the end of this email, and let us know what you think. We will keep your answers confidential.

Sigh. 

(c)2015 Suzann Kale

Just Saying

Dear Bank of xxxxxxxxx:

Thank you for your email alerting me to the weekend outage for Bill Pay. However, it's important, when sending information to your customers, to use correct grammar. 

You wrote: "During this time, Bill Pay will be unavailable however payments made Fridayevening and throughout the day Monday will be processed normally..." 

Who wrote this? Why didn't anyone proofread it before sending it out to your customers? 

After "...will be unavailable" there should be a period - and the word "however" should begin a new sentence, which means it should be capitalized. After "however" there should be a comma. It should read: "During this time, Bill Pay will be unavailable. However, payments made Friday evening and throughout the day Monday will be processed normally..."

This is basic grade school English. As a Bank of xxxxxxxx customer, I would hope that you guys know how to write basic sentences.

Sorry if I seem harsh. This is just worrisome.

Sincerely,

Tags: Businss Writing, Editing, Grammar, Proofreading, Punctuation

Beware of Spellcheck

Here are some of the mix-ups that Spellcheck won't find for you:

• chose / choose
• accept /except
• their /there
• lose /loose
• who's / whose
• lose / loose
• then / than
• further / farther
• their / there
• insure / ensure
• breath / breathe

What else?

Office Emails with Multiple Subjects

Something to consider, if you are writing a long email that contains a number of subjects: It may be easier for the recipient to process if you send a separate email for each subject. So instead of 1 long email with 3 different ideas, you might try 3 short emails. This makes it easier for the recipient to file, if they're filing by subject matter. And easier for you to do follow-ups on your projects.

(c)2014 Suzann Kale

Tags: business writing, editing, writing styles, emails, business emails

This is an actual instruction on a website that provides critical alerts and medical pagers. People's lives depend on these instructions being accurate and easy-to-follow:

If you are a (name of company) user you may still page by 7 digit pager number simply leave the area code blank you may also still page by name simply type name in pager field.

A sentence ends with a period and the next sentence starts with a capital letter. If you work for any company, anywhere, that provides any sort of services of any kind, be sure your documents are written coherently. 

(c)2014 Suzann Kale

Tags: sentence structure, grammar, punctuation, writing styles, business writing, technical writing, editing, proofreading