The New In Thing In Convoluted Grammar

Have you noticed that people are taking group singular pronouns and acting as if they are plural? It's happening everywhere. 

We are happy to report that the staff are working 88 hours a week. 

Huh?

I understand that in England they do that. But honestly, people, it should be either:

We are happy to report that staff members are working 88 hours a week.
or
We are happy to report that the staff is working 88 hours a week.

I'm trying to let go of this, because we are indeed a global village. But I think if you're going to misuse these pronouns, you ought to be aware of it, and repent.

Must use Oxford Comma

A job posting on Linked-In for a copywriter gave the requirements: must be a team player, handle stress, be familiar with Microsoft Office, etc, and must use the Oxford Comma. 

What a joy! 

What is an Oxford Comma? Remember when we were kids and the teacher said to put a comma after all list items except the item just before the "and"? That concept has bothered me for ... lo these many years. 

Here's an example of what the sixth grade teacher demanded:

Before locking up the office, be sure to turn off the lights, air cleaners and computers.

It groups air cleaners and computers together and gives that group the same importance as the lights by themselves. 

Imagine if you did that in your will: 

All the money goes to Child 1, Child 2 and Child 3. 

Oops. It looks like the money is divided in half, with Child 1 getting half, and Children 2 and 3 splitting the other half. 

The Oxford Comma puts an end to this practice and makes life more fair. You put your comma after each thing. 

All the money goes to Child 1, Child 2, and Child 3. 

Unless, of course, Child 1 was the favorite and you just didn't want to come right out and say it!

(c) 2017 Suzann Kale

Semicolons - All You Need to Know

I found this article on The Writer's Circle. No more need we fear an impending semicolon.

Follow that Car!

To never have another bad day in your life, avoid using the following words and phrases in your copy:

Never use the word location three times in a row. 

Never refer to an artist as, say, "the greatest living performer of his generation." You will instantly lose your credibility.

Remember that in copywriting, the words new and improved are translated by the listener to it still doesn't work and don't buy it if it's the last thing on the shelf. 

Never begin a sentence with the word well.

Whether you're writing a screenplay or scripting the last joke of the evening news, never refer to anyone as "doing the New York Times crossword puzzle in ink." 

Don't rhyme things.

Don't create a title for your article with a play on words using a current ad or movie title. For instance, a brain improvement article should not be called How to Be the Most Interesting Man on Earth.

Don't use an aphorism that everyone accepts because they've been hearing it since infancy, when in fact it actually has no relevance, and mostly no meaning. Examples:

Life goes on.

Be happy.

Suffering is good because we learn from it.

You've got to get out more.

What doesn't kill us makes us stronger.

Have a nice day.

Technology makes our lives too busy/crazy/hectic.

It's okay that he walks in his sleep - he's a creative type.

He minded his own business and just seemed so nice. 

(c)2016 Suzann Kale

The New OCD - Obsessive Comma Disorder

There are two types of people in the world: those who use a discreet smattering of commas, and those who drown their copy in enough commas to cause the reader to asphyxiate.

Because this is the age of brevity, the comma rules we learned in school don't necessarily apply anymore. Stuff we learned in school tended to be long-winded and overly correct. Now, correctness is measured by how short you can make your document and still get your information across. In the world of commas, that translates to: only use a comma when you suspect your reader might go into respiratory failure.

OCD Style:

Assembling your new KittyzGymTM, is easy, as long as you have tools. Or, toolz, as we say here, at KittyzGym, the headquarters.

OCD Free:

Assembling your new KittyzGymTM  requires tools.

(A side-effect of deleting unneeded commas is that huge chunks of verbage simply vanish.) 


OCD Style:

Butter, the bain of Chef Eusebio's existence, and something we all like, right?, can be used in a healthy way, depending on, whether the butter is clarified, or ghee.

OCD Free:

Chef Eusebio prefers clarified butter, or ghee.

Eliminating commas when proofreading is a quick way to clarify the instruction booklet you've just written for your client's new home assembly circuit board kit. Yes, you want it readable because then people will say that your document is wonderful. It can go into your resume. But basically if it's readable, people will follow the directions and glue their fingers together less often. 

(c) 2015 Suzann Kale

Beware TMI - I Thought of Something Else

Oh yes - and here's a good one that's used often:

"The Rusty Anchor Restaurant is closed for the Easter Holiday so that our employees can spend time with their families... (and implied but unsaid:) rather than slog to work to feed your voracious face, leaving our lonely spouses home alone with our wide-eyed, innocent, lonely children."

All you have to do is say: 

"Closed for Easter."

All the public needs is the basic info. Edit out the excuses. They will always be misconstrued by your customers.

(c) 2016 Suzann Kale

Beware TMI - No One Cares

It's not just excess personal stuff that can become annoying. It's corporate stuff; business information; the greeting on your voicemail; the overhead announcement at the supermarket. The secret to effective information dispersal is: edit out the noise.

Remember, when you communicate information, your goal is to inform. Your goal is not to make anyone feel better about their life, it's not to coddle customers, it's not to make excuses for why you can't come to the phone. It's simply to point to where the escalator is, to inform the public of your business hours, to notify customers that you've run out of cheese (if you're a pizza parlor).

Here's what I mean.

You call your bank because you found an extra $10,000 in your account and now you're terrified because it's not yours. Your call gets funneled into a queue. The recorded message says, "Your call is important to us. Please hold because right now we're helping someone else who's more important than you are. Your call will be answered by the first available customer service representative. However, due to unprecedented heavy call volume, your call will be answered in ... (digital voice) twenty-three minutes. (recorded voice) Should you wish to have us call you back, please press one now."

First of all, my call is not important to them because they have chosen not to hire enough people to handle the phone traffic. Secondly, just sitting through this laundry list of excuses is worse than listening to hold music. Thirdly, do we really care - or even need to know what you're doing that's causing you not to be able to take our call? We don't care. Nevertheless, we have to sit through you telling us that you're not out for brunch, you're not having wild sex in the cleaning closet, you are in fact helping other, more important, customers. 

Is anyone out there? If you don't come to the phone right now, I'm going to spend your $10,000.

(c) 2016 Suzann Kale

Please and Thank You

...are good things, and the world needs to be a kinder place. But in technical writing such as

instructions,  protocol charts, signage, and how-to memos, we are actually being kinder by leaving out please and thank you. Have mercy on your reader - they are not reading your copy because it is the next New York Times bestseller. They're reading it because they have to, to get something else done. There's no room for "Have a nice day" in any corner of the technical writing galaxy. Let your reader get the information and get on with their life.

Too Much
Please remember to check the top of the toaster oven before using it, so we don't catch our plastic duck collection on fire. Besides, plastic smells bad when it burns. Thank you.

Just Right
Clear the ducks off the toaster oven before using.

***

Too Much
After you hear the three beeps, please press star two (*2) in order to ensure that your message doesn't get erased if you then decide to go in again and revise it. Thanks!

Just Right
Press *2 after you hear the 3 beeps.

***

Too Much
I know we're all super busy these days, but we absolutely must remember to log our overhead announcements on the Overhead Announcement Log. Please initial this so I know you have read it. Thanks, guys.

Just Right
Have you logged your overhead announcement?

(c) 2015 Suzann Kale

Red Penciling

Sleek, trimmed-down copy isn't just for web content. No one has time for wordage in any context. We need to be merciless in cutting excess fat.

Examples:

Yikes                                                            Likes
No right hand turn                              No right turn

Learn how to park                             Learn parking

Beware of dog                                   Dog

This is somewhat verbose.               Verbose.

When you get a chance, I'd               Let's get a grip. 
like to go over the situation
that happened yesterday.


So take your first draft and your red pencil, and hack away. It's actually fun.

(c)2015 Suzann Kale

The Universe Has Used Up Its Apostrophe Allowance

There is a wide-spread mythological belief system that says there should be an apostrophe anywhere you see the letter "s". It can go before, after, around, or anywhere near this s.

Although this myth is completely untrue, people keep writing things like this:

Family Practice Healthcare is opened Monday’s and Tuesday’s, and the dental care Wednesday’s and Thursday’s. They will no longer see patient's at the downtown buildings.

The tall ones' are for beer.

The phone numbers' for all the new barista's are behind the counter.

It's an apostrophe catastrophe.


Possessive
Use an apostrophe if something belongs to someone. Like: This is Ryan's personal wallet that he owns. (Note that owns does not have an apostrophe.)

Use an apostrophe if a group owns something. Like: The Men's Gardening Center. Or The children's lunchroom.

Just because something is plural does not entitle it to an apostrophe. The children's library cards. (Not The children's library card's.)

Apostrophes indicate ownership.


Contractions
Apostrophes also indicate that a word is contracted. You can say: It's happy hour in Newfoundland because It's is the contraction of It is. You cannot say: Its almost time for your surgery. (Should be: It's almost time.)

When you use an apostrophe to indicate a contraction, the apostrophe is put where the missing letter would be. Like M'am, which is short for Madame. Or let's which is short for let us.

Apostrophes indicate a missing letter.

(c) 2015 Suzann Kale