The New In Thing In Convoluted Grammar

Have you noticed that people are taking group singular pronouns and acting as if they are plural? It's happening everywhere. 

We are happy to report that the staff are working 88 hours a week. 

Huh?

I understand that in England they do that. But honestly, people, it should be either:

We are happy to report that staff members are working 88 hours a week.
or
We are happy to report that the staff is working 88 hours a week.

I'm trying to let go of this, because we are indeed a global village. But I think if you're going to misuse these pronouns, you ought to be aware of it, and repent.

Staying Current with Intro Styles

Everyone's in a hurry. And: Everyone already knows all the

introductions that have ever been written online. If you're writing a blog, a how-to, an interview transcription, a research piece, an article --- be sure to get right to it. Skip the three or four paragraphs of cliches that used to be required openings. Your readers already know why they want to fix the toilet, learn how to outline a novel, who Einstein was, why you missed the signs that your ex was a narcissist, why love is better than hate, and why women should know how to change a tire. 

A one or two sentence intro is fine --- but no more than that. This isn't high school English, it's the web. Digitally oriented writers already know this. 

Say you want to know how to change 72 dpi to 300 dpi in Photoshop. Any good how-to article will simply start with "Go to Effects>Document Raster Effects Settings and either check high Quality 300 DPI or do a custom setting and use..." Hello and thank you. 

As opposed to an article, perhaps, on how to earn extra money if you've lost all your equity investing in companies promising to avert incoming meteorites from hitting earth. "So, you want to earn extra money. Perhaps you made a bad investment in anti-meteorite companies. Or maybe you were a victim of the housing bubble. Perhaps your ex got the settlement you were dreading. Now you need to earn more money. Perhaps you want to pay off your credit card debt. Or maybe you have a tax lien on your house..." 

You see what I mean? When you write copy, you will lose readers if you don't get right into the solution they are looking for. They already know they are broke / their dishwasher is leaking / their condo management has decided your dog is too big. They just want the answers. 

You help your readers by being direct, and you help yourself by keeping your readers!

Must use Oxford Comma

A job posting on Linked-In for a copywriter gave the requirements: must be a team player, handle stress, be familiar with Microsoft Office, etc, and must use the Oxford Comma. 

What a joy! 

What is an Oxford Comma? Remember when we were kids and the teacher said to put a comma after all list items except the item just before the "and"? That concept has bothered me for ... lo these many years. 

Here's an example of what the sixth grade teacher demanded:

Before locking up the office, be sure to turn off the lights, air cleaners and computers.

It groups air cleaners and computers together and gives that group the same importance as the lights by themselves. 

Imagine if you did that in your will: 

All the money goes to Child 1, Child 2 and Child 3. 

Oops. It looks like the money is divided in half, with Child 1 getting half, and Children 2 and 3 splitting the other half. 

The Oxford Comma puts an end to this practice and makes life more fair. You put your comma after each thing. 

All the money goes to Child 1, Child 2, and Child 3. 

Unless, of course, Child 1 was the favorite and you just didn't want to come right out and say it!

(c) 2017 Suzann Kale

Really?

Excellent article from The Writer's Circle:

http://writerscircle.com/very-and-other-useless-words-to-erase-forever/?utm_source=twc-twcfan&utm_medium=social-fb&utm_term=20160501&utm_content=link&utm_campaign=very-and-other-useless-words-to-erase-forever&origin=twc_twcfan_social_fb_link_very-and-other-useless-words-to-erase-forever_20160501












Photo by DMedina at morguefile.com

Follow that Car!

To never have another bad day in your life, avoid using the following words and phrases in your copy:

Never use the word location three times in a row. 

Never refer to an artist as, say, "the greatest living performer of his generation." You will instantly lose your credibility.

Remember that in copywriting, the words new and improved are translated by the listener to it still doesn't work and don't buy it if it's the last thing on the shelf. 

Never begin a sentence with the word well.

Whether you're writing a screenplay or scripting the last joke of the evening news, never refer to anyone as "doing the New York Times crossword puzzle in ink." 

Don't rhyme things.

Don't create a title for your article with a play on words using a current ad or movie title. For instance, a brain improvement article should not be called How to Be the Most Interesting Man on Earth.

Don't use an aphorism that everyone accepts because they've been hearing it since infancy, when in fact it actually has no relevance, and mostly no meaning. Examples:

Life goes on.

Be happy.

Suffering is good because we learn from it.

You've got to get out more.

What doesn't kill us makes us stronger.

Have a nice day.

Technology makes our lives too busy/crazy/hectic.

It's okay that he walks in his sleep - he's a creative type.

He minded his own business and just seemed so nice. 

(c)2016 Suzann Kale

Web Content: Never Start a Sentence with "Well"

You don't want to be the writer who begins your product marketing page with three long paragraphs about the problem, followed by the solution paragraph starting with "Well, ...". 

Don't:

Have you ever found yourself in the middle of a flood? You're walking down the street minding your own business, when suddenly water starts gushing toward you? It's a bad feeling.  

Or perhaps you're sitting at home watching the rugby game and your dishwasher overflows. You run around trying to mop it up, but it just flows and flows, and suddenly water is all over your house. Yikes. 

Well, there's a solution to all this!!! A way to keep your home safe and be safe walking down the street as well. It's called the MasterUmbrellaTM and it will save you aggravation and money, and keep your shoes and carpet dry at the same time!

Any web content - your blog, a self-help article, product description, ezine article, business report, department description, marketing copy - needs to:

1. Get to the point right away. (In grade school we were taught to begin with opening paragraphs and lots of filler. And for certain kinds of reports - scientific papers, observations, medical description - you still want to start with descriptions. But for most web content, just get right to it. Otherwise you will lose your reader.)

2.  Never begin a sentence with "well" under any circumstance. If someone's pointing a gun to your head, still do not type the word "well."

3.  Break up your web content with illustrations, template design, color, mixed fonts and sizes, charts, diagrams, or tables. Reading copy on a screen is tiring enough - don't let your article be the one that finally puts the reader to sleep.

4.  If possible, try to avoid having the reader keep turning the page. Some web content is designed for advertisements, and when you're writing in that context you'll often have to format each of your 10 money-saving car-buying tips on 10 separate pages, in order for the company to display more ads. But if you're the boss of you, don't make readers keep hitting "next." You will lose them.

The New OCD - Obsessive Comma Disorder

There are two types of people in the world: those who use a discreet smattering of commas, and those who drown their copy in enough commas to cause the reader to asphyxiate.

Because this is the age of brevity, the comma rules we learned in school don't necessarily apply anymore. Stuff we learned in school tended to be long-winded and overly correct. Now, correctness is measured by how short you can make your document and still get your information across. In the world of commas, that translates to: only use a comma when you suspect your reader might go into respiratory failure.

OCD Style:

Assembling your new KittyzGymTM, is easy, as long as you have tools. Or, toolz, as we say here, at KittyzGym, the headquarters.

OCD Free:

Assembling your new KittyzGymTM  requires tools.

(A side-effect of deleting unneeded commas is that huge chunks of verbage simply vanish.) 


OCD Style:

Butter, the bain of Chef Eusebio's existence, and something we all like, right?, can be used in a healthy way, depending on, whether the butter is clarified, or ghee.

OCD Free:

Chef Eusebio prefers clarified butter, or ghee.

Eliminating commas when proofreading is a quick way to clarify the instruction booklet you've just written for your client's new home assembly circuit board kit. Yes, you want it readable because then people will say that your document is wonderful. It can go into your resume. But basically if it's readable, people will follow the directions and glue their fingers together less often. 

(c) 2015 Suzann Kale

Smashing Writer's Block for Work Documents

This really works, I promise. Tested, tried, had other people try it. 

Say you have to write a memo persuading hospital personnel to wash their hands. You are conflicted beyond comprehension because it's too ridiculous a project. 

1.  Immediately let go of resistance. Remember:

• Soon this project will be over.
• Soon it will be 5:00 and you will be sitting on your couch with your wine. It's a time warp thing, not to be minimized.
• Allowing thoughts of regret, anger, and misery to tape-loop through your mind only prolongs the experience. Sure it's satisfying to know how horrible life on this planet can be, but leave it for now. You can pick it up later after the wine wears off.

2.  With a blank mind, all you have to do is pull up a blank Word template and choose a fabulous font. 

3.  Now, simply make words appear on the blank page. It's that easy. 

Remember, no one will read it, and anyone who is not washing their hands now, will probably never wash their hands anyway. 

If you actually want to create a meaningful document, go for it. List the reasons why hand-washing might make sense during a meningitis epidemic. Insert really cute artwork. Put in a graph measuring stuff. 

And then it's completed. And suddenly your "now" moment with the wine and the couch is here, your document is a part of the permanent hospital archives, and you still have your job. 

More on writer's block in the next post.

(c) 2016 Suzann Kale

Beware TMI - I Thought of Something Else

Oh yes - and here's a good one that's used often:

"The Rusty Anchor Restaurant is closed for the Easter Holiday so that our employees can spend time with their families... (and implied but unsaid:) rather than slog to work to feed your voracious face, leaving our lonely spouses home alone with our wide-eyed, innocent, lonely children."

All you have to do is say: 

"Closed for Easter."

All the public needs is the basic info. Edit out the excuses. They will always be misconstrued by your customers.

(c) 2016 Suzann Kale

Beware TMI - No One Cares

It's not just excess personal stuff that can become annoying. It's corporate stuff; business information; the greeting on your voicemail; the overhead announcement at the supermarket. The secret to effective information dispersal is: edit out the noise.

Remember, when you communicate information, your goal is to inform. Your goal is not to make anyone feel better about their life, it's not to coddle customers, it's not to make excuses for why you can't come to the phone. It's simply to point to where the escalator is, to inform the public of your business hours, to notify customers that you've run out of cheese (if you're a pizza parlor).

Here's what I mean.

You call your bank because you found an extra $10,000 in your account and now you're terrified because it's not yours. Your call gets funneled into a queue. The recorded message says, "Your call is important to us. Please hold because right now we're helping someone else who's more important than you are. Your call will be answered by the first available customer service representative. However, due to unprecedented heavy call volume, your call will be answered in ... (digital voice) twenty-three minutes. (recorded voice) Should you wish to have us call you back, please press one now."

First of all, my call is not important to them because they have chosen not to hire enough people to handle the phone traffic. Secondly, just sitting through this laundry list of excuses is worse than listening to hold music. Thirdly, do we really care - or even need to know what you're doing that's causing you not to be able to take our call? We don't care. Nevertheless, we have to sit through you telling us that you're not out for brunch, you're not having wild sex in the cleaning closet, you are in fact helping other, more important, customers. 

Is anyone out there? If you don't come to the phone right now, I'm going to spend your $10,000.

(c) 2016 Suzann Kale