The New OCD - Obsessive Comma Disorder

There are two types of people in the world: those who use a discreet smattering of commas, and those who drown their copy in enough commas to cause the reader to asphyxiate.

Because this is the age of brevity, the comma rules we learned in school don't necessarily apply anymore. Stuff we learned in school tended to be long-winded and overly correct. Now, correctness is measured by how short you can make your document and still get your information across. In the world of commas, that translates to: only use a comma when you suspect your reader might go into respiratory failure.

OCD Style:

Assembling your new KittyzGymTM, is easy, as long as you have tools. Or, toolz, as we say here, at KittyzGym, the headquarters.

OCD Free:

Assembling your new KittyzGymTM  requires tools.

(A side-effect of deleting unneeded commas is that huge chunks of verbage simply vanish.) 


OCD Style:

Butter, the bain of Chef Eusebio's existence, and something we all like, right?, can be used in a healthy way, depending on, whether the butter is clarified, or ghee.

OCD Free:

Chef Eusebio prefers clarified butter, or ghee.

Eliminating commas when proofreading is a quick way to clarify the instruction booklet you've just written for your client's new home assembly circuit board kit. Yes, you want it readable because then people will say that your document is wonderful. It can go into your resume. But basically if it's readable, people will follow the directions and glue their fingers together less often. 

(c) 2015 Suzann Kale

Smashing Writer's Block for Work Documents

This really works, I promise. Tested, tried, had other people try it. 

Say you have to write a memo persuading hospital personnel to wash their hands. You are conflicted beyond comprehension because it's too ridiculous a project. 

1.  Immediately let go of resistance. Remember:

• Soon this project will be over.
• Soon it will be 5:00 and you will be sitting on your couch with your wine. It's a time warp thing, not to be minimized.
• Allowing thoughts of regret, anger, and misery to tape-loop through your mind only prolongs the experience. Sure it's satisfying to know how horrible life on this planet can be, but leave it for now. You can pick it up later after the wine wears off.

2.  With a blank mind, all you have to do is pull up a blank Word template and choose a fabulous font. 

3.  Now, simply make words appear on the blank page. It's that easy. 

Remember, no one will read it, and anyone who is not washing their hands now, will probably never wash their hands anyway. 

If you actually want to create a meaningful document, go for it. List the reasons why hand-washing might make sense during a meningitis epidemic. Insert really cute artwork. Put in a graph measuring stuff. 

And then it's completed. And suddenly your "now" moment with the wine and the couch is here, your document is a part of the permanent hospital archives, and you still have your job. 

More on writer's block in the next post.

(c) 2016 Suzann Kale

The Zen of Uni-Tasking

We've all read the report that says even though we think we're multi-tasking, we're not - according to our brains. Just like a computer, the brain gathers info very fast, but only works with one piece of information at a time. The more we multi-task, the more harried the brain gets because it's continually trying to take bits of disconnected stuff, and put them in coherent strings.  

I find when I'm creating a new document for a client, I indulge in the luxury of focusing only on this one project. Often the focus is so intense that everything else fades out - sounds disappear, time becomes nonexistent, I don't know where I am. It's a consciousness thing - it's just me and the computer screen. Keyboard and screen. Brain and project. Idea and written copy. A direct connection. 

Once I was working like this, it was winter in New England, and the power went out. Computer was intact with battery, so project continued. Although I do vaguely remember getting a blanket to put around me at the desk because the heat had gone out, there was still nothing but me and the client's document. A few hours later, when I finished the first draft, I came back to time/space and realized the house was dark and cold, the dog needed to be fed, and I didn't know where my kid was. (I found him, it was okay, I had planned for this in advance.)

This scary scenario happens also when I'm reading an absorbing novel. Hello, focus; goodbye planet Earth.

Now that I know this happens, I always pre-plan for Uni-tasking time. Always have a note next to the computer saying what day it is and where I am, always have the alarm set for a few hours in the future so my silver connection-cord can connect back to my body, always make sure ahead of time that there's nothing on the stove.

I like it better than meditation. It's like meditating, but you also get stuff done. Oooops, wouldn't that be multi-tasking?

(c) 2016 Suzann Kale

Beware TMI - I Thought of Something Else

Oh yes - and here's a good one that's used often:

"The Rusty Anchor Restaurant is closed for the Easter Holiday so that our employees can spend time with their families... (and implied but unsaid:) rather than slog to work to feed your voracious face, leaving our lonely spouses home alone with our wide-eyed, innocent, lonely children."

All you have to do is say: 

"Closed for Easter."

All the public needs is the basic info. Edit out the excuses. They will always be misconstrued by your customers.

(c) 2016 Suzann Kale

Beware TMI - No One Cares

It's not just excess personal stuff that can become annoying. It's corporate stuff; business information; the greeting on your voicemail; the overhead announcement at the supermarket. The secret to effective information dispersal is: edit out the noise.

Remember, when you communicate information, your goal is to inform. Your goal is not to make anyone feel better about their life, it's not to coddle customers, it's not to make excuses for why you can't come to the phone. It's simply to point to where the escalator is, to inform the public of your business hours, to notify customers that you've run out of cheese (if you're a pizza parlor).

Here's what I mean.

You call your bank because you found an extra $10,000 in your account and now you're terrified because it's not yours. Your call gets funneled into a queue. The recorded message says, "Your call is important to us. Please hold because right now we're helping someone else who's more important than you are. Your call will be answered by the first available customer service representative. However, due to unprecedented heavy call volume, your call will be answered in ... (digital voice) twenty-three minutes. (recorded voice) Should you wish to have us call you back, please press one now."

First of all, my call is not important to them because they have chosen not to hire enough people to handle the phone traffic. Secondly, just sitting through this laundry list of excuses is worse than listening to hold music. Thirdly, do we really care - or even need to know what you're doing that's causing you not to be able to take our call? We don't care. Nevertheless, we have to sit through you telling us that you're not out for brunch, you're not having wild sex in the cleaning closet, you are in fact helping other, more important, customers. 

Is anyone out there? If you don't come to the phone right now, I'm going to spend your $10,000.

(c) 2016 Suzann Kale

Incoherence

Incoherence is only allowed after 5pm on weekdays, and 8pm on Saturday night. Sunday it's time to get ready for the week by re-focusing on the possibility of linear thinking.

So today I took an online CPR course from the American Heart Association. The writing was perfect: clear, organized, meticulous. It was a joy.

Then I go back to the memo from the company administrator with instructions on how to sign up for the certification field test. Oops. Back to corporate reality. This was part of the memo:

"You may complete this process you're your department based CPR Instructor (if you have one) or you may log into E-Learning and enroll in a testing session... Please note as this program there is no class time that you must come prepared to demonstrate your skills competently."

There's no reason to publicly expose the mélange inside our heads. 

(c) 2016 Suzann Kale

Own Your Syntax

 It's about self-worth. If you write it, you need to own it. Otherwise, why bother?

Let's examine this #1 offender: 

"We apologize for any inconvenience this may have caused."

Could this possibly be any more offensive? Let's break it down.

We apologize... - Using the pronoun "we" is like saying, "It wasn't me, it was other people. I personally don't even know how to turn on a woodchipper. I don't even know what a woodchipper is."

"for any inconvenience..." - The word "any" leaves it open as to exactly how much inconvenience there actually was. Maybe not too much. And the word "inconvenience" is both a euphemism and a cliche. It's like saying, "I may have put your foot into my woodchipper when it was grinding down a giant elm, and on the off-chance that it might have made you the teeniest bit cranky, hey, we understand that you're too emotional."

"this may have caused;..." - means "We totally think you're lying about your foot being shredded when we put it through our woodchipper, but our lawyers have written up this statement to keep you from suing us."

If you've done something to upset someone, you will make the situation worse by using insincere, cliche-ridden lawyer-speak. Corporate media people, please take notice.

(c) 2016 Suzann Kale